Not Real

First and foremost, I want to say thank you to all for all the love and support. My family is hurting but the love, the support it helps ease that hurt, ease the pain. 

I have so much to say about so many things but it’s hard. My heart is hurt not only for the loss of my FIL but my hear aches for my husband. For my brother in law. So it’s hard to write about anything.

The thing is, it still doesn’t feel real. I thought the funeral would make everything real for me. That the funeral would be the day I would realize that my FIL was gone. But it didn’t. The entire drive back home from FL I kept thinking we missed something. That we missed visiting with him. I still think that I’ll see him, that we’ll talk. We’ll have one of our heated debates or just laugh about the kids. I keep thinking he’s still here. My brain knows better. My brain knows he is in a better place. That he’s not sick anymore. My brain knows the truth but my heart…my heart doesn’t want to hear these things. My heart still wants him to be here.

We didn’t get to say goodbye.

So to my dear FIL,

I will miss our talks. I will miss venting to you about your son. I will miss debating with you no matter how crazy it drove me. I will miss you. Know I will take care of your son. I hope you know how much I love and care for him. He means everything to me. I will watch over his brother and we will help him in any ways we can. You were an amazing father to those boys and I know how much you loved your grandchildren. We miss you. We love you. You will forever be in our hearts.